You must remember this
A kiss is just a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh.
The fundamental things apply
As time goes by.
And when two lovers woo
Their tongues swap spit it’s true!
On that you can rely
No matter what the future brings
As time goes by.
SCENE: Man and woman kissing.
Woman (thinking): Golly! He uses more tongue than my dog!
Yes, I Twitter a bit (under the name “Last_Kiss”) and I’m on Facebook too (“John Lustig”), but I confess that I still fritter. In fact, I’m frittering right now. Fritter. Fritter. Fritter.
I’m sending this out early because I won’t have time to fritter later. For Shelagh’s birthday (July 29), I bought tickets to attend a question and answer session with Carol Burnett. Ms. Burnett is in town tonight and if anyone can turn a question and answer session into an entire performance, it’s her. Now if I could only think of something really juicy to ask her.
Hmm…maybe if I watch some of her old clips on YouTube I’ll think of something.
Fritter. Fritter, Fritter
WOMAN (speaking to man): I used to fritter, but now I Twitter!
Now that summer’s officially over, it’s good to take a moment and savor autumn. And then immediately panic because (Holy Crud!) there are only &^%# days to Christmas! And Hanukkah! And Uncle Binky’s birthday–it’s coming too!
And Aunt Lucy’s hemorrhoids! Shouldn’t you send a get well card?
What to do? What to do?
Fortunately, you’re a Last Kiss fan–so you’ll be prepared. Yes, the new Last Kiss greeting cards are still available. And shipping is free on all orders now. Best of all, every card sold:
1) makes me fabulously rich (in an alternative reality where Bill Gates is my brother. In this reality, it’ll just help me pay my bills and keep Last Kiss going. Yippee!)
2) proves that you’re funnier and more brilliant than all your friends–unless, of course, they buy Last Kiss cards too.
3) makes the world a better, funnier place. Unicorns will return to Middle Earth. And gravity will finally be negotiable. (There’s more, but I don’t want to make any promises I’m not sure I can keep.)
Buy Last Kiss cards today–and save the future from boredom/
SCENE: A man dressed as an airplane pilot is kissing a beautiful woman on the tarmac of an airport.
PILOT: Jeepers! A real woman! I knew buying this pilot's outfit would pay off!
WOMAN: Gosh! a real pilot! I knew stuffing my bra would
Dear Mr. Last Kiss:
I’m a philosophy major (It’s not like there are any jobs out there anyway!) and it’s really hard because I have to think a lot. And here’s one of the things I thought about: If a tree falls in a forest and you make love in the bushes and no one’s around can you still pretend you’re a virgin?
I can’t decide. What do you think?
You can always pretend you’re a virgin–especially in forests. Some forests are better than others, however. Virgin forest are best. And they’re easy to spot. They’re the ones with unicorns.
–Mr. Last Kiss
Sprechen Sie Deutsch? To read this comic in German click here.
SCENE: Father and young adult daughter hug as the daughter's date waits in the background.
FATHER: Have fun, but remember! If you have sex you’ll regret it forever!
DAUGHTER: Sure! But only if you find out!
If I had to guess, I’d say she’s not a morning person…
Sprechen Sie Deutsch? Read this comic in German.
SCENE: Woman is about to drink some hot coffee.
WOMAN (thinks): Everyone knows I’m the world’s nicest, person...
SOUND (from off panel): GROAN
WOMAN (thinks): unless you bother me before my first cup!
VOICE (from off panel): So much blood!