Dear Mr. Last Kiss:
I’m a philosophy major (It’s not like there are any jobs out there anyway!) and it’s really hard because I have to think a lot. And here’s one of the things I thought about: If a tree falls in a forest and you make love in the bushes and no one’s around can you still pretend you’re a virgin?
I can’t decide. What do you think?
–Slightly Pregnant

Dear Slightly,
You can always pretend you’re a virgin–especially in forests. Some forests are better than others, however. Virgin forest are best. And they’re easy to spot. They’re the ones with unicorns.
–Mr. Last Kiss

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↓ Transcript
SCENE: Father and young adult daughter hug as the daughter's date waits in the background.

FATHER: Have fun, but remember! If you have sex you’ll regret it forever!

DAUGHTER: Sure! But only if you find out!