The Scariest Halloween Movie Of All

The Scariest Halloween Movie Of All


I just got back from seeing a truly rotten zombie movie. (Rotten in a good way, of course, as all zombie movies should be.)

Apparently the secret to enjoying a truly rotten zombie movie (in this case “The Children” from 1980) is to have a really stiff drink and to watch it with a bunch of other people who have really stiff drinks in a movie theater rented out for the evening.

It helps greatly if the zombies are cute radioactive children who literally hug people to death. (Sizzle. Argggh!)

Audience participation is another plus. Best audience commentary of the night: “Hugs! Not drugs!”

Runner up: “You just shot a dead dog.”

My thanks to my pal Mark Rahner and film critic Robert Horton for hosting a truly rotten evening. By the way, the name of their wild west zombie comic book is…”Rotten.” And, yes, it’s “rotten” in a good way too.

↓ Transcript
SCENE: Exterior of a passenger jet in flight.

CAPTION: Just in time for Halloween! A movie so scary, you’ll pee in your seat! Honest...

CAPTION: “Cross My Legs...and hope to die!”

VOICE #1 FROM INSIDE PLANE: The restrooms are out of order? All of them?

VOICE #1 FROM INSIDE PLANE: B-b-but I‘m on a liquid diet!

What Men Really Want

What Men Really Want

Ladies, as the official spokesman for all men, I can assure you that today’s comic is…oh, hell. It’s true. But don’t feel that you actually have to cook for us.

I mean, it’s not like we’re going to actually die of starvation. We can follow recipes (if there are pictures); toast bread without burning down the house (sometimes); and we can learn to whip eggs into submission. (Bad eggs!)

In short, we’re as smart as you. We’re just lazier and better at ordering takeout!

↓ Transcript
WOMAN FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Wild passion and cheap thrills are never enough! Sooner or later men Expect you to...cook for them!

Romance is in the Air

Romance is in the Air

↓ Transcript
SCENE: A nicely dressed man and woman have stepped outside during a party. They smile at each other. This is the ultimate romantic moment:

MAN: Oh, Darling, let's share everything!

WOMAN: Believe me! I just did!

SOUND (coming from woman): F-A-A-A-R-T!

Clean Underwear…Again?

Clean Underwear…Again?

Today is Gladys Rumplethorne’s birthday. She and her husband Frank have been happily married for almost a year. The other 22 years of marriage are best not discussed.

↓ Transcript
SCENE: Scruffy-looking man talks to a woman.

MAN: Surprise! I’m wearing clean underwear…and I may even shave!

WOMAN: Gosh! Is it my birthday already?

Pleasure and Puke

Pleasure and Puke

Last Kiss Character Bio — Anna Rexia was born in Last Kiss, USA on April 1, 1990 and she officially weighed 6 lbs 9 ounces. However…

“It’s not true!” sniffed Ms. Rexia. “If only I could go back in time. I could prove that I only weighed 6 lbs 2 ounces!

“The nurse who weighed me was obviously jealous because I was so much cuter and slimmer than her. She had fat, horrible 7-ounce thumbs and I’m sure she snuck one of them onto the scale.

“I’ve always been careful about my weight. At one point, I actually weighed less than nothing. Of course, my parents worried. A strong gust of wind–or rampaging squirrels–could easily carry me off.

“So, every weekend when we went camping, they’d tie me to a big boulder to keep me safe. Sometimes I’d be safe for days. But then I’d get loose and find my way back home.”

Sprechen Sie Deutsch? Read this comic in German.

↓ Transcript
SCENE: Beautiful woman crying on a couch.

WOMAN: How could I give in to my desires like that?

WOMAN (again): I’m showing already!

WOMAN (again): I feel like barfing!

INSET CAPTION: The day a supermodel gained a pound!