Read Dialog in Last Kiss/Orson Scott Card Contest

Submissions are no longer accepted for the contest. But you can still read the all of the submissions. We received hundreds! The challenge was to use Orson Scott Card’s opening caption as a starting point and come up with dialog for the man and/or woman in the comic.

(To help select a winner, vote here. Winner announced Feb. 15, 2010.)

Submissions from Fans:

Cruelly mocked by the Homecoming King ten years ago with such nicknames as “Pepperoni Puss” (acne), “Nebraska” (flat and plain), and “Frez Nell” (thick glasses), Eustace Tittlesworth would have her revenge at the reunion picnic, as soon as the effects of his arsenic-laced cocktail took effect.  — Torsten Adair

Billy Bob: Well, hell’s bells Norma Jean, this is my very last day ever as a tree hugger! From now on you can consider me a bona fide, genuine devoted Lap Lounger, for sure! This is darned comfortable. Norma Jean: (thinking) Why God? Why me? I only went braless the one time, and this is how you punish me?  —  Michael Clark

He wasn’t sure if he was suffering from heat stroke or if he was just dizzy in love, but he knew one thing… the only thing that could provide him relief was the shade from her gigantic rack.  — Stan Yan
…Not realizing that he had just been thrown off the branch by an irate chipmunk.  —  Chris Martin

Her thought balloon: Screw visiting Granny, this dude is hot.  —  Karyl Miller

She: Wanta try that again, and this time I’ll be ready for you?  — Bill Wakeland

She: “You’re late. Again.”  —  J. Rankin


He: “Oui, madame — Inspector Clouseau at your service…”  —  J. Rankin

“I must remember the steps: dress up, sit under tree, have beer ready, wait for man to drop…”  —  J. Rankin

From girl: Honey, are you sure you can get this car fixed or should we call the Bedrock Automotive Association for a tow?  —  Willaim E. Crupe

At least this meant she no longer had to make quiche.  —  June McLeish

She: Are you hurt bad Darling? He: Ya ever hear of anyone bein’ hurt GOOD???  —  Lonnie Cavenee

Obviously, all that other beer in the basket was overplanning…  —  J. Rankin

At last! Someone to take me bowling! I can dump this fancy gown…  —  J. Rankin

The last of tree species Acer Sapiens Brewski — it must be protected!   —  J. Rankin

“Well, I guess that big bad wolf wasn’t so bad after all”  —  Mike Frey

It was unfortunate, however, that his scrotum was firmly caught in one of the lower limbs.  —  Scott Pelking

They look even bigger from here!  —  Jeryl Bodack

I guess climbing trees isn’t your thing honey. Why don’t you try something easier…like me.  —  Gordon

I thought I’d never find a man who could keep his beer like Daddy could! At last, my heart is answered!  —  Penny Edmonds

Well! I can see he kept the beer intact and functioning! Let’s hope everything else works!  —  Penny Edmonds

It’s just like the song mama used to sing me when I was a girl– “Twinkle, twinkle, little man, Fell from tree but kept your can!”  —  Penny Edmonds

She thought there would be plenty of time to tell him ‘I was one, too… once…’ ”  —  J. Rankin

She: “Jeesh, everywhere I go , men are falling for me.  —  Valarie Ziroli

Him thinking:Wow! didn’t think my head would land in her lap after that fall.  —  Valarie Ziroli

He was a beer guzzler and she a champagne queen but she was sure her sex addiction would overcome their differences.  —  Jeff Frisch

Honey, next time you fall for me…fall to your knees and extend your hand with a ring with some bling.  —  Gale Grove

He: “Say, doll. You into treesomes?”  —  Al Duzak

She: “I like your lumber, Jack.”  —  Al Duzak

TREE: “Get rid of him, Patsy. Can’t you see he’s a no-good fallen down trunk? Yep. Just like my father was.”  —  Al Duzak

Steve Buscemi: <to self>I gotta thank my plastic surgeon. Trany: <to self>I gotta thank my plastic surgeon.  —  Bender_Sastre

Man: Am I Dead? Woman: Well, if ya ain’t, I’m gonna have a helluva time skinnin’ ya.  —  Bender_Sastre

She: “I like a man with some fir on his chest.” He: “And I really pine for your cones.”  —  Al Duzak

She is thinking of the hymn, “There is a green hill far away.” He is thinking of her and “The green hills are close at hand.” —  Bill Wakeland

He asked himself,”Why am I thinking of the book, ‘How Green Was My Valley?”  —  Bill Wakeland

”Who would have thought…uh……there would been a “RATTLE SNAIL “…..uh……in the tree…uh…. but what a way to go…….  —  ALBERT MORALES

She: “Now if only he would turn over.”  —  Grace Reamer

While you’re down there, be a good boy; roll over.  — Janice Hackney

After Tina’s breast enhancement surgery, Jason discovered she made a much better shady spot to lay under then any tree.  —  Jenette Downing

He: “I only pulled this stunt because my buddies told me you were a . . . limbphomaniac? Is that the right word?” She: “Close enough, handsome.”  —  Al Duzak

Do we have to play”Me Tarzan,You Jane,” every time we have a picnic?  — Dale Netherton

Sadly, he was just the stunt double. She would have to continue this romantic scene with Adam Sandler instead.  — Chris Martin


Staring up at the strange woman’s cleavage, Max suddenly forgave her for kicking away his ladder.  —  Chris Martin

“Mom was right, nuts do fall from trees!”  —  Fay Hudson

Well, pin me like a bug and call me sweetheart! Looks like I got me a keeper, Mama!  —  Kathleen Standard

Man: Ooof! I think I’ve broken something! Honey, could you put a straw in my beer?  —  Penny Edmonds

I told mother this would work much better than those mattresses and a pea!  —  Penny Edmonds

Ooo, good hands. I think I’ll take this one home.  — Penny Edmonds

(yawn) Nice nap, Honey…sorry I had to chain you to that rock, but this is the last beer. —  Michael Hartwell

SO SHE WAITED FOR HIM TO PASS OUT AND THEN BROKE OUT THE MARIJUANA BROWNIES! — KEVIN MEWS

As he stared into her eyes through the valley of her breasts, she said; “What do you think of these mountains?” — Michael Rath

…and refusing her apple. — Marija Miletic Dail

…and, refused her apple.  — Marija Miletic Dail

Having drained him dry and knocked his shoes off, Nasty Von Tramp waits his recovery. This time it will be the socks and his wallet.  —  June

Overcome by the smell of day old socks, Doris finally knows why our feet are the farthest away from our noses!  —  Carol Newnum

He: “Sorry to disappoint you, honey. But on my way down, I think I bruised a couple of acorns.”  —  Al Duzak

She: “Well, like the old saying goes – ‘The stewed apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.’ ”  —  Al Duzak

Betty: Gosh, Archie, falling head over heels seems so silly when taken literally. Couldn’t you have just thrown yourself at my feet if you were going to be so obvious? Archie: (thinking)Thank God Jughead showed me how to do this without dropping the beer. I wonder if those are real?  —  Mike Clark

Her: Silly boy! You know you have to have a red cape and a fabulous emerald cocktail dress to fly like Superman. All you did was fall out of a tree. Him: Does this mean you’re not submitting me for What Not To Wear?  —  Mike Clark

She: (thinking) Could this be the one Mummy told me I was saving myself for? Tall, dark and handsome, rich and mysterious? Why didn’t she mention clumsy and those hideous blue socks?  —  Mike Clark

I HOPE YOUR SISTER ISN’T ANGRY WITH ME. I ONLY ASKED HER HOW LONG SHE’S BEEN A WOMAN.  —  Ken

Him – What are the chances we’d BOTH forget our shoes! Her – And I really wanted to eat at that cute little diner…  —  Gary Glazier

Man: Sorry I couldn’t reach the apples. Woman: Well, you’re the apple of my eye.Or maybe just a big fruit.  —  Simon Willard

Man:”Love is…admitting your mistake. Oi! We’re in the wrong comic! We’re wearing clothes!”  — Jonathan Bridge

If I can find his wallet and keys, I can be long gone before God realizes the apple’s missing……  —  Jack O’Melia

“So frail, like a little bird … relax, darling, Mama will fix it. Now — one quick TWIST!”  —  Valerie Jones


She: “I love to commune with nature, don’t you?” He: “Yeah, sure. Speaking of which, it’s time to air out my caterpillar.”  —  Al Duzak

Thinking: Finally, Some peace and quiet.  —  Chris Suppa

Him: Surely this is the best beer I have ever had. Her: Good, because the micro-brew is mine, and by the way who’s this Shirley?Or(and don’t call me Shirley)  —  Robert Hord

Sadly, he died.  —  Bob Martin

Man says: Pregnant! That’s Impossible  —  Chris Suppa

WOMAN (thought bubble): I knew coming to Fangorn Forest for a picnic would pay off. Thanks for delivering Prince Bud, my dear Ent friend.  —  Randy Lee

He knew that he had made a painful error when she had said “I like a man with a woody.”  —  Gale Grove

But where’s mine? That is so you…only thinking of yourself.  —  Jim Cahill

“Honey, I don’t know how this is even physically possible but your about a quart low!”  —  Les West

Her…thinking – Third date, no shoes, that’s it! No more dating Amish guys!  — Gary Glazier

Man:”I just want to say…I love you, honey.” Woman:”But you’re not getting any more beer.”  — Jonathan Bridge

Man:”You’ll never catch me up there sober.”  — Jonathan Bridge

Man:”I could be Charlie Brown’s kite.”  — Jonathan Bridge

Man:”Does this mean I beat Tarzan in that category?”  — Jonathan Bridge

He said she could have the remote control over his cold, dead body. The cyanide in the Jell-o salad took care of the ‘dead’ part … now she just had to wait for him to cool off and she could safely take it home and watch “Desperate Housewives.”   — Elizabeth Wennick

He says: I LOVE my pleasure spiked with pain, Now where are those nipple clamps?  — Chris Suppa

…and a real idiot for believing my story about a magic tree that grows beer cans.  — Chris Martin

He knew she was a REAL MAN by what lies beneath that green dress, The sexiest man he’s ever seen.  —  Chris Suppa

And he knew she was a real woman because her impressive bust helped break his fall.  —  Chris Martin

“You went to a lot of trouble to meet someone who’s gay.”  —  Allen Smith

MAN: Darling, this is heaven. The sky is an amazing blue, like the hand of God used the Photoshop render tool. The air is fresh, crisp, and I can smell the sweet woody scent of the tree that shelters us. I have good food, a fine ale, the newest Orson Scott Card novel Hidden Empire and a beautiful lady to share this all with. This isn’t science fiction, my love, this is life! This is bliss! WOMAN: Zzzzzzzz…!  —  Janet Hetherington

Ender: I am so smart I can practically wipe out an entire race of aliens but I still can’t climb a tree. Girl: Oh honey, doing things in zero gravity is very different than here on earth. Maybe instead of climbing a tree you should try something easier…like me.  —  Gordon

Him: I feel faint. Her: You should put your head between my knees.  —  Jeff Willis

Woman, thought: “I wonder if he’s got a younger brother. My mom could use a new beau.”  —  Lee Houston, Junior

That’s the first time I saw boxer shorts up a tree, but the second time I saw that color lipstick.  —  Ed Oesch

He knew she was a real woman when she caught his head in her lap. — Jason Newquist

She admired his manly supine form, observing how he continued to keep a firm grip on his beer. Eventually, she leaned over him and cooed, “Does it hurt much, Dear?” Somehow, it didn’t as he gazed up into perfection. “Uh- I was just dropping in,” he finally said.  —  Teresa Kuhl

Let me guess. You’re from New Orleans.  —  Gilbert Jagot

As for Bruce, he completely forgot about the accident that left parts of his wife and his Jeep lodged in several different trees.  —  Chris Martin


He knew that she was a real women when she opened the beer with her tongue.  —  Gale Grove

Jimmy. That’s NOT how I do my lap dances!”   —  Donn Ross

<she sighs contentedly and thinks>
“Dead men are so much easier to get along with.”   — T Charles

SHE: Yes, of course, you’re the apple of my eye, but you simply must get over your obsession of trying to improve Newton’s gravity equation.   — Vic Albino

Woman: (thinks) “I’ll wait til he’s conscious before screaming in pain over my cracked pelvis.”   — Jeff Hawley

Yes I’m Irish; yet only if that box on the blanket contains Diamonds will you get into my “pot of gold”.   — David Wilbanks

She: “Is it my personality or just my hairy underarm pittness that makes you swoon?”  — Al Duza

He: “Umm. Helga, right? This morning you said something about packing your homemade weiner schnitzel?”       She(?): “Yah. Und der sauerkraut ess een der utter peeknik bazket.”   —  Al Duza

Don’t worry, Bob, I only shot you with a small tranquilizer gun.   — Jim Guida

He: Good thing you were there to break my fall, Lady. I actually saw my life flashing before my eyes.
She: If you’ll share your beer, that won’t be the only thing you will see “flash” before your eyes…  — Norm from Georgia

She admired his manly supine form as he lay on the grass. Eventually, she leaned over him and cooed, “Does it hurt very much?”
Suddenly, it didn’t.  — Teresa Kuhl

Woman (thinking): Damn! Now I can’t reach the chocolates.  —  Rob Edgell

Woman: I’ll be waiting for you when you get out of hospital, Ned, dear.   — Rob Edgell

Got a sigaret Babe?  — prieur

Her: Yes Darling, the reason you fell out of the tree is that I poisoned you.
Him: But sweetheart, we shared all of the same food at the picnic.
Her: That’s why I poisoned your beer. You like to share your food and your women but you never, ever share your beer.  — Gordon Pyke

Her (thinking): He may have survived the fall, but not me dropping this rock on his head!!   —  COlin Bodell

Her: Honey – get up and help me push this rock back up the hill!  —  COlin Bodell

Still, her pie had put him down for the count. Some “big bad wolf” he’d turned out to be! Sleeping was definitely not what she had anticipated! They hadn’t even made it to her grandma’s house. She began to wonder if this might be too easy.  — W. Eugene Jessup

“Well now that I have the head of Ben Affleck in my lap, what do I do now?” — Les West

Woman: You’re a Real Man of Genius.
Man: This Bud’s for me!  — Dan Roth

I hope he can handle me more than that beer, or else he is going to be disappointed. — Tom Kanti

Man: I feel dizzy and nauseous.
Woman: They call that falling in love.
Man: I call it falling from a tree.  —  Dan Roth

Woman: I shook the tree to see how you’d fall. Man: Are you crazy? You could have made my beer go flat.  —  Dan Roth

Man: I always fall for blonds. Woman: You done with that beer?   —  Dan Roth

Man: Hey, where’d my shoes go? Woman: You took them off to climb the beer tree.   —  Dan Roth

Does this mean we can get married? Woman: Don’t be silly, you spilled the beer.  —  Dan Roth

Blonde: “That’s great! However, I do like a lighter…and slower touch at first!”  —  Scooter Harris

SCREW GRANNY, THOUGHT RED RIDING HOOD, THIS DUDE IS HOT!  —  Karyl Miller

James suddenly realizes, as he lays his head on Lola’s lap, that he has fallen head over heals in love with a tranny.  —  Joshua Hicks

(girl)”Darling, what do you attribute your athleticism to?” HeMan: “Lite beer. >*<”  —  Amie Ziner

Typical man, can’t even go on a romantic picnic without a beer and the remote!  —  Barbara J. Long

Woman (thinking): Well, the poisoned beer worked a treat. The trouble is I can’t bear to touch dead things and now I’m trapped!  —  Rob Edgell

Man: <Groan!> I think my back is broken. Woman: That’s a shame. Obama’s healthcare reforms haven’t got through yet and you don’t have any insurance.  —  Rob Edgell

MAN: Thank god your thighs were thick enough to protect my head. WOMAN: Oh, you say the sweetest things…  —  Robert B. Lovato

“Thank God for Ruffies”  —  Vince DeLange

But what kind of drunk sissy climbs trees in his socks?”  —  Vince DeLange

“I wonder if he’ll remember me dragging him over here, removing his shirt, and laying him on my money maker”  —  Vince DeLange

“Lucky I was able to pry it out of his pencil holder”  —  Vince DeLange

“But he drinks like a woman or he wouldn’t have fell after only drinkijng half a can”  —  Vince DeLange

“If he ever wakes up, he’s going to mad that I drank it”  —  Vince DeLange

Cyanide in the coke, check; now where IS that shovel?  —  Matthew Herring

“Does it hurt, dear?” “Only when I belch.”  —  FJ Czubak

Man: Pain… Honey… I think my leg is broken… Can you please call an ambulance? Woman: I will… But I’d like to enjoy the time you sit still… teehee  —  Estival Guillaume

He told his Doctor a month ago he wanted to Kill her. The Doctor said make love under the tree daily for a month and she would be dead. Poor girl don’t know she is about to die!  — Curt Richards

Hey babe, I can hear the sea.  — Matthew Herring

Now that the licking, munching and swallowing was over, it was time to unpack the food.  — Edward Cole

Her – Darling, what do you think that cloud looks like? Him – Cloud? What Cloud? I can’t even see the sky! Her – You say the sweetest things!  —  Gary Glazier

You want me to kiss what to make it feel all better?  —  Bill Wakeland

Man, that was some dramatic entrance.  —  Bill Wakeland

That was a very graphic example of your “Falling for me!!”   —  Bill Wakeland

What do you think? Does this green dress make me look fat?  —  Bill Wakeland

But John, it is so nice out here. Why do you want to hurry home?  —  Bill Wakeland

Did you bump your widdle head?  —  Bill Wakeland

A book of verse beneath the bough, A can of beer and thou, Yackiting beside me in the wilderness  —  Bill Wakeland

Man:”You know I could always hold my beer.”  —  Jonathan Bridge

“I didn’t even have to ask directions, did I?”  —  Jonathan Bridge

Woman: My, what big EYES you have. Man: I thought I spilled.  —  Eric Amundson

And she knew this Bud was definitely for her.  —  – Karen Scott-Martinet

She: I just love our new propane powered picnic basket He: And our new portable phone is great too!  —  Steve Hardison

girl: if i can only tell him about my crabs. guy: if i can only tell her about my lice.  —  Mickel Jackson

And like a real man, he would drink himself unconscious given the chance. “Oh Brad. I know this is wrong… but it feels so right. The raccoons are in heat right now, and I just know they’d love to get some of this.”  —  Jon W

Woman (thinking): “Ever since I switched to ‘Cheap French Whore’ scent, they’ve been dropping from the trees like over-ripe fruit!” Man (thinking): “Smells like Mom’s nearby!”  —  Korey Watkins

After she said, “… but you can’t see the mountains from down there”, he replied “oh yes, I can!”  —  Todd

Yes, they’re real and they’re spectacular!  —  Michael “Mikey Plague” Wills

Her: “I would have been more impressed if the can was open, and you gave it to me.” Him: “Why do I smell yeast?”  —  Lynn Savage

She: You’re very good at not dropping things, and does that include your pants? He: (Said in a drunkish slur) {Hic} My zhipper’s shtuck. {Blurp}  —  BRUCE BERMAN

He: Please help me. I think my vertebrae is cracked. She: Oh, you REALLY think my eyes are beautiful?  —  A.J. Bodnar

He:How did I fall out of the tree? She: Axle grease!  —  A.J. Bodnar

He: Is this heaven?      She: Not yet, but a 180 degree rotation oughta do it!  —  A.J. Bodnar

He: Here I am!        She: Too bad. Right man, wrong beer.  —  A.J. Bodnar

He: How about a little head?      She: Yours is as little as I’ve seen!  —  A.J. Bodnar

He: Please help me. I’m dying and I’m rich She: Hmm…just the way I like ’em.  —  A.J. Bodnar

Woman (thinking): It’s raining men again! I wonder if Mother Nature will let me trade him in for a better one!  —  Korey Watkins

Hmm, I wonder if that’s a beer for me in his pocket…  —  Kathleen Standard

Now if someone could just hand me the remote, I’d be all set!  —  Kathleen Standard

A loaf of bread, a can of beer and thou-who really needs the bread?  —  Pat Parker

By the way, dear, is this a good time to mention that the sink has started dripping again?  —  Bill Wakeland

Finally, a man who contributes to the relationship! Mother will be so proud!  —  Kathleen Standard

Perfect! Just when my batteries had gone dead, too!  —  Kathleen Standard

“Like the view?”  —  James Christian

“It’s rainin’ men!”  —  Donna Haag

Well honey, you don’t know what you’re missing in this lap of luxury.  —  Colin

Plied with drink and food, her victim unconscious, she began to cast her spell. Soon they would marry and his riches would be hers. All hers!  —  ric Alonso

Too bad he didn’t land face down.  —  Brad Misciagna

Now for the Ultimate Test: check the surrounding ground to see how much loose change accompanied him down.  —  Michael Wolff

Now what, thought Vanna? He’s passed out on my lap, puked on my dress, and ants are everywhere. Still, he IS a banker.  —  ric Alonso

Although she gave it a hell of a try. She did not knock brad’s socks off.  —  John Krzysko

The Red Cape Avenger had struck again. Plying her victim with drink, she would make sure he missed his Sunday sports shows.  —  ric Alonso

He knew she was a real woman when her breast poked him in the eye.  —  Gale Grove

With her dream date finally passed out, Vanna marveled how his 12 pack induced spew matched her dress.  —  Ric Alonso

Cupcake, from here, the view of the green mountains is stimulating!  —  D Nicholls

-I always knew I’d marry a man like my father. -*BURP!*  —  Catherine

Woman: Marry me, you clumsy, lovesick fool. Man: Hey…(hic)…How’d you get up here so fast?  —  Josh Peres

Her: Lovely, isn’t it? Him: Yeah, I love the mountains.  —  Lain Ellis

Woman: Who do you love more, Sam Adams or me? Man: Give me another and I’ll decide.  —  Simon Willard

Woman: Too bad you couldn’t stay up longer.  —  Simon Willard

HALF DAZED, GAZING UP AT THE MOUNDS HE WISHED TO MOUNT.  —  Andrew Hollan

Man: I landed like a cat. Woman: Let’s see how many lives you have.  —  Simon Willard

Man: I’ve always been good on my feet. Woman: You’ve always been good on your back.  —  Simon Willard

Man: I can’t believe… we pulled off that bank heist… very clever … put cash in picnic basket… c’mon… let’s split up the money… Woman: Yes, dear, but finish your celebration first. There are two more beers, sweetie.  —  Simon Willard

Man: Mary, did you notice the clouds look like big grassy hills? Woman: Those aren’t clouds, dearie.  —  Simon Willard

Man: I think I discovered gravity. Woman: I think I discovered levity.  —  Simon Willard

Her man rested in her lap, exhausted from the labor of bringing the world’s largest oyster to the picnic area.  —  Bob May

She wondered when the beer would finally make him sleepy enough so she could throw the can of gasoline over him and cash his life-insurance.  — Martin

MAN: Wooo! As far as I’m concerned, the stupid kitty can stay stuck in the tree.  —  Chris Martin

And then she saw the socks. A man who climbs trees without shoes? He was both a real man *and* a real mystery. Gina might get her “gold star day” after all…  —  Douglas Bigham

Her: Darling, I feel that I can see into you soul. Him : I can see right up your nose.  —  Matthew Herring

(In her thought balloon:) Forget “eating out of my hand” when I can have ’em drinking in my lap.  —  Grace Reamer

Woman thinking: Wow! Too bad mild retardation will set in due to brain damage. Still would I even notice? Ahh I can settle.  —  Douglas Nelson

He: “From this vantage point those mountains are bigger than I thought.” She: “They’re bigger than I thought too, but I hope you aren’t ‘rappelled’…yuk,yuk!!  —  roberta

Man: I must have hit my head harder than I thought…I think I am seeing things. Woman: Don’t worry honey, you are fine. I really am the only living woman on the planet with perfectly symetrical breasts…now if only my legs were the same length.  —  Gordon Pyke

Woman (thinking): The “Secret” was right. I put together this lovely picnic and wished for a man in my life, and here he is!  —  Michelle Tachiyama

Woman: I’ve told you before, you don’t need to climb the tree to look down my dress. Man (thinking): But it was the only way to get my head in your lap….  —  Michelle Tachiyama

Man: I don’t know where I am. All I see are giant green hills….  —  Michelle Tachiyama

Woman: And Dr. Phil said men would never just fall into my lap….  —  Michelle Tachiyama

Woman: “If I move, he may wake up…..but it’s the best chance I’ll ever have to get the remote!!”  —  Ilan Strasser

After the picnic, Jane knew she had Tom where she wanted him to hit him up for alimony.  —  Les West

Her: Excuse me, but I think you fell on my Schlitz.  —  Chris Murphy

Him: Thank goodness your lap was right here! Her: Fall face first next time.  —  Thom Jones

Him: Can you hold my beer? I left my shoes up there. Her: I may drink it while you’re gone. Him: Never mind, then.  —  Thom Jones

I love a man who is good with his hands!  —  mickey shaw

WOMAN: It’s probably just as well the fall killed him. Anybody dumb enough to save a beer instead of his own life…well, the gene pool’s better off… WOMAN: Still, he was cute…  —  Danny Fingeroth

Finally… a man who really knows how to commit!  —  mickey shaw

Excuse me, but are those falsies?  —  Rodney Elin

MAN: Honey, let’s make love before I pass out. Hooo! I’m so wasted, I could mess with Sasquatch.  —  Chris Martin

Fellow wearing the blue pants: Um… I feel something pressing against my neck. Please tell me you’re not a guy in drag.  —  Chris Martin

Who’s up for more pie? It’s homemade. I’m full I couldn’t have another bite. Oh wait you meant… Can I still have some?  —  Kurt Sasso

Hey! You stopped singing “One hundred bottles of beer on the wall.” Now I have to start all over again.  —  Kurt Sasso

Whether they are large or small; plump or firm. You could always find such great melons when she brought out the picnic basket for lunch.  —  Kurt Sasso

She was the sixth woman to say “I Do” in as many years. Maybe it was the tree that was bringing him bad luck. It couldn’t be his love of foliage. So soft and bushy, swaying in the wind… They just didn’t understand him as this tree did. The tree didn’t ask him where he had been that night. Or why he smelled of cheap perfume. Maybe; Just maybe, he was proposing to the wrong person. He grabbed the ring out of his fiances hand, told her to hit the road and proposed to the tree. The ceremony was short and sweet but the honeymoon was oh so knotty.  —  Kurt Sasso

After a long hard day at the office… The only thing better than looking up into your woman’s eyes is a cold beer in your hand.  —  Kurt Sasso

Man: So, Little Red Riding Hood, what’s in the basket. Woman: Just enough room for your head. It’ll look great on Grandma’s wall.  —  Brian Collier

Woman: I’m going to need a swig of your hooch Tiger, you just crushed my cervix.  —  Drew MacDonald

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7 Comments

  1. MAN: Darling, this is heaven. The sky is an amazing blue, like the hand of God used the Photoshop render tool. The air is fresh, crisp, and I can smell the sweet woody scent of the tree that shelters us. I have good food, a fine ale, the newest Orson Scott Card novel Hidden Empire and a beautiful lady to share this all with. This isn’t science fiction, my love, this is life! This is bliss!
    WOMAN: Zzzzzzzz…!

    Reply
  2. I fell in love with a tranny, last year. 1937 LaSalle top loader. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Now, I need a set of Kinmont disk brakes and a Columbia dual speed rear axle for the Terraplane roadster that I’m putting together. DAMN YOU, EBAY!!!!!!!!!

    Norm

    Poor but happy!

    Reply
  3. Hey! Are beavers in season? I smell one.

    Reply
  4. Having drained him dry and knocked his shoes off, Nasty Von Tramp waits his recovery. This time it will be the socks and his wallet.

    Reply
  5. “They look even bigger from here!!!”

    Reply
  6. She: Are ye hurt bad? He: Ya ever hear of anyone bein’ hurt GOOD?

    Reply
  7. Him: (mumbling and singing drunkenly) Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down
    Never gonna run around and desert you…

    Her: Omigod!!! I’ve been Rick Rolled, and I haven’t even been kissed yet.

    Reply

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