Congratulations to Gordon Pyke for winning the latest Last Kiss writing contest. (See comic above.) Gordon was one of seven finalists and his submission was the clear favorite in the fan ballot.

Second Place honors went to Jeff Willis for his submission: MAN: I feel faint. WOMAN: You should put your head between my knees.

Third Place bragging rights went to Gale Grove for the following dialog: MAN (thinking): I knew that she was a real women when she opened the beer with her tongue.

The contest — featuring an opening caption by literary luminary Orson Scott Card — attracted hundreds of dialog submissions. Many were brilliant. Many were weird. And a lot were both.

In case you’re wondering, the other four finalists and their submissions were (in no particular order):

MAN: Oui, madame — Inspector Clouseau at your service… – J. Rankin

WOMAN: Jeesh, everywhere I go, men are falling for me. — Valarie Ziroli

WOMAN (thinking): …and a real idiot for believing my story about a magic tree that grows beer cans. — Chris Martin

MAN: Is this heaven? WOMAN: Not yet, but a 180 degree rotation oughta do it! – A.J. Bodnar

I know my choice of finalists raised some eyebrows. Why these? Why not others? Why are so many of them so sexual?

All I can say is that:

1. It’s always difficult to pick the “funniest” or “best” gag. But I did my best based on a scientific method using “whim of the moment” logic and a Magic 8 Ball. In short, if it made me laugh or at least snicker it was funny.

2. I know this is shockingly naive, but I honestly didn’t think this image was particularly sexual. But I should’ve seen it coming. I mean — a comic featuring a guy with his head in a woman’s lap? And a contest — with my readers? I was asking for trouble!

(By the way, I believe that most of the risque jokes–at least the ones about the guy’s head being in the woman’s lap–were submitted by women.)

3. A lot of the submissions featured similar gags (from different people) with variations in wording. I tried to pick the “best” version of  gag.

4. Some perfectly great gags were submitted not as dialog, but as third-person captions. We already had a caption (written brilliantly by Orson Scott Card.) I wanted fans to play off that caption and write actual dialog. Looking back, though, I can see why some people were confused. I’ll try to be clearer next time.

Finally, there were a lot of fun gags that didn’t make it into the finals. Here are a few of my favorites. (There were definitely more.):

WOMAN: It’s probably just as well the fall killed him. Anybody dumb enough to save a beer instead of his own life…well, the gene pool’s better off… WOMAN: Still, he was cute…  –  Danny Fingeroth

Although she gave it a hell of a try. She did not knock Brad’s socks off.  –  John Krzysko

(In her thought balloon:) Forget “eating out of my hand” when I can have ‘em drinking in my lap.  –  Grace Reamer

“It’s rainin’ men!”  –  Donna Haag

Her: Darling, I feel that I can see into your soul. Him: I can see right up your nose.  –  Matthew Herring

Woman: “If I move, he may wake up…..but it’s the best chance I’ll ever have to get the remote!!”  –  Ilan Strasser

A loaf of bread, a can of beer and thou-who really needs the bread?  –  Pat Parker

He: Please help me. I’m dying and I’m rich She: Hmm…just the way I like ‘em.  –  A.J. Bodnar

He: Good thing you were there to break my fall, Lady. I actually saw my life flashing before my eyes.
She: If you’ll share your beer, that won’t be the only thing you will see “flash” before your eyes…  – Norm from Georgia

Typical man, can’t even go on a romantic picnic without a beer and the remote!  –  Barbara J. Long

MAN: Thank god your thighs were thick enough to protect my head. WOMAN: Oh, you say the sweetest things…  –  Robert B. Lovato

A book of verse beneath the bough, A can of beer and thou, Yackiting beside me in the wilderness  –  Bill Wakeland

Woman (thinking): It’s raining men again! I wonder if Mother Nature will let me trade him in for a better one!  –  Korey Watkins

Now if someone could just hand me the remote, I’d be all set!  –  Kathleen Standard

Cruelly mocked by the Homecoming King ten years ago with such nicknames as “Pepperoni Puss” (acne), “Nebraska” (flat and plain), and “Frez Nell” (thick glasses), Eustace Tittlesworth would have her revenge at the reunion picnic, as soon as the effects of his arsenic-laced cocktail took effect. — Torsten Adair

MAN: Darling, this is heaven. The sky is an amazing blue, like the hand of God used the Photoshop render tool. The air is fresh, crisp, and I can smell the sweet woody scent of the tree that shelters us. I have good food, a fine ale, the newest Orson Scott Card novel Hidden Empire and a beautiful lady to share this all with. This isn’t science fiction, my love, this is life! This is bliss! WOMAN: Zzzzzzzz…! — Janet Hetherington

Curious to read more? To see all of the submitted gags, click here!