Valentine’s Day is a major event in the Lustig household. It’s not well known, but without our lavish Valentine celebrations the candy, flower, stupid-but-adorable gift, and eatable panty industries would collapse.

But times are tough. So we’re praying that Congress includes a modest $1 billion (or two!) Valentine subsidy in the stimulus package. After all, even in desperate times like these, everyone should be able to afford romance…and eatable underwear.

↓ Transcript
CAPTION: Happy Valentine’s Day!

WOMAN: Wow! You’re like...the ultimate stimulus package!

MAN: Let’s call Congress!