Sex for Nitwits

Sex for Nitwits

by | Mar 18, 2010 | Uncategorized

Order now. Operators are standing by. And they’re getting cranky!

↓ Transcript
SCENE: A young couple are kissing on a porch. Two identical books are on the porch steps.

HEADLINE TEXT: Are You a Failure at Fornication?

TEXT: A mating dropout? A loving loser?
Then you need the book that’s helped millions…beget more millions:

BOOK TITLE: Sex for Nitwits!

TEASER TEXT: --Learn about sex at home--alone!
--New edition with more pictures!
--Fewer big words!
--And! Shorter! Sentences!

TESTIMONIAL: “Sex for Nitwits changed my life!”
--Votta Von Tramp,
Last Kiss Home for Unwed Moms!

MAN (KISSING WOMAN): I bought two copies so I’d learn twice as much!

WOMAN: I bought three!

I Love You! Honest!

I Love You! Honest!

by | Mar 14, 2010 | Uncategorized

I’m not lying. I’m just exploring an alternative reality…

↓ Transcript
SCENE: Man and woman talking.

MAN: I’ve stopped sleeping with my ex-wife! And I’m almost cured of my need to always lie!

WOMAN: At last...we can get married!

Dental Delusions

Dental Delusions

by | Mar 11, 2010 | Uncategorized

Brought to you by Virgin Bright–the only tooth paste that makes your teeth and your reputation shine!

↓ Transcript
SCENE: A woman brushes her teeth.

WOMAN: Gosh! I feel so clean and minty fresh! It's like regaining my virginity...between meals!

M-M-Magic F-F-Fingers!

M-M-Magic F-F-Fingers!

by | Feb 23, 2010 | Uncategorized

Orson Scott Card created a lot of captions for my recent dialog contest and I could only use one. They were too much fun to waste, though.

So–with Orson’s permission–I dialogued two of the wildest. Here’s the first. The second appears Friday.

↓ Transcript
SCENE: Young woman lying face down on a bed with a green bedspread.

CAPTION: Alien spy Ha’as Fratu got his jollies by taking the form of a green bedspread!

WOMAN: o-o-o-o-w-ee! I m-must be the l-luckiest g-girl in the universe! I p-put a
quarter in t-three hours ago…and the b-bed’s still v-v-vibrating!

Caption ©2010 Orson Scott Card
Art & dialog ©2010 Last Kiss Inc

It’s Not Just Sex…

It’s Not Just Sex…

by | Feb 21, 2010 | Uncategorized

I hate it when you forget whom you’re sleeping with. It makes thank you notes so difficult!

↓ Transcript
Young man is smiling at a young woman in a party dress. She coming down the stairs towards him.

HIM: It’s not just sex! I really love you, Mary!

HER: My name’s Marsha! But close enough!