If today* is your birthday then here’s your horoscope — guaranteed** true:

You are a sensitive, wonderful, caring person. But your habit of screaming and spitting at people gives some folks the wrong impression. They think you’re a bitch.

They don’t understand that you’re really just acting out because you’re shy. They don’t know that — deep down inside — you’re just asking for love when you fire those warning shots!

What to do?

This is your year to find true love and happiness. Be confident and positive in all your dealings. Try not to shoot anyone — unless they really deserve it. (Everyone who doesn’t believe in horoscopes — particularly Last Kiss horoscopes — deserves it!)

Invest your money wisely. When in doubt, flip a coin. Or better yet, send me your money and I’ll invest it for you. Send cash. Don’t tell me your name. I’ll already know who you are!

* “today” is defined as whichever day you read this. Fate will ensure that you read this on your actual birthday. If you think this isn’t your birthday then you’re probably wrong. Talk to your parents and check your birth certificate for signs of tampering.

** By “guaranteed” I mean, of course, “possibly.”

↓ Transcript
WOMAN (reading a newspaper): My horoscope says I’ll fall in love and be happy! Gee! I wonder if I’ll miss you and the kids!