Just Inject the Caffeine Directly into My Veins

Living in Seattle, I should be ashamed of this. But here’s the shocking, tabloid-worthy truth: I don’t drink coffee.

Never have. And it’s too bad. ‘Cause I hear wonderful things about the power of Demon Caffeine.

I’m not one of those people who spring out of bed at the break of day–a song on my lips–ready to make the world a better place.

If I drank coffee, though, maybe I’d be…perky. Maybe I’d write faster. Maybe I’d be a better person. Maybe I’d have even have come up with a clever way to end this.

But I don’t drink coffee. So I didn’t.

↓ Transcript
SCENE: Woman with her head down, her eyes closed and her hand to her brow.

WOMAN: Don’t say anything! Just...bring me coffee!


  1. I do drink coffee, but I can take it or leave it and literally days can go by without a drop. Like you I appreciate that others have this addiction, but it’s not personal.

    • I’m glad you’re not addicted to it, Dan. I suppose it’s fine for most people. But coffee just isn’t my cup of tea.

  2. I can relate to you, John. But with me it’s worse: I don’t drink coffee or tea. And I don’t enjoy the taste of alcohol, so even that is a rarity. Heck, I don’t even drink pop.
    And I live in Canada.
    I pretty much don’t have any friends.

  3. Actually, I’m very close to your status, Laurentina. I mostly drink water. On rare occasions, I’ll have some juice or tea. Booze? Occasionally. But never beer. For some reason, I can’t stand the stuff. I prefer rum.

  4. I went a day without coffee once. I was 7 years old and i forgot cause I was watching cartoons.



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