Pencils by Charles Quinlan. Color and restoration by Diego Jourdan Pereira.
I received hundreds of submissions in the latest Last Kiss Couple-Up Contest. But (alas!) there could only be one…well, actually two winners. But here’s a sample of some of the best—and the oddest that also made me laugh!
I knew snail-mail’s days were numbered, but I never thought it would end like this.
If only the rest of you was as big as those feet!
Just get into your S car and go!
(This was one of many jokes on the “S car” theme. —John)
What a way for Escar to go.
(And here’s another clever variation. —John)
You killed my snail, so much for tail.
You cad… No sex till after the appetizers.
I oughta slug you!
We’re going to slug this out right now, buster!! Where’s the salt?
Why do I always end up with some slimy idiot on Valentine’s Day?!
That snail was more of a man than you’ll ever be!
Just because you crushed Jacque’s shell like an egg does not mean you can do the same to my heart!
Pokey could have taught YOU something about “slow and steady,” Minute Man.
He may have been slow but he brought me to orgasm faster than YOU!!!!!!!!!
Now who is going to deliver my mail?!
You’re nothing but a slimey heel to me now.
Easy come … Escargot.
—Valerie Dunbar Jones
I suppose you want a wine sauce to go with that.
You monster! Look at what you’ve done. No don’t look. Even my Cupid statue can’t look.
This is why we should of agreed on a safe word before starting the mènage à trois.
(One of several versions of this gag. –John)
My friends warned me you were a home-wrecker!
I will never kiss those feet again!
You stomped my cookie… so you get no nookie!
I was just getting Slimy to come out of his shell and enjoy life!
That “just a snail” was an intergalactic warlord and this weeping angel statue is his assassin bodyguard.
Don’t look away.
(This is even funnier if you’re a Dr. Who fan—John)
Kill my snookie and you get no nookie.
SHE: “Damn you Rodney! That snail was more than just a pet to me! This one time, at Band Camp ….”
HE: (thought balloon) “She is so hot when her voice is laced with bile!”
Why Rodney Why?
Rodney: Sorry, it all happened so fast.
INCREDIBLE!!! Last week you sat on my pet crayfish. Now you step on my snail. Well, you listen to me, Mister!! I’m not going to let you anywhere near my clam!!”
You cad! Still auditioning for the lead in “Death of a Snailsman”?
—Peter David McMenamin
You heartless brute! Five more payments and he would have been mine!
Rodney, you heartless swine! How could you? Did you never suspect that he was… YOUR OWN SON?
Some dance instructor you are, Rodney! I will NEVER EVER let another pet take tap lessons from you!!!
UNBELIEVABLE!! I warned you. I told you not to do it … AND YOU DID IT ANYWAY!! I said, “Rodney, it’s too dangerous playing Twister with a snail!!