Death Before Dissed Goners

If you think this title is a groaner–well, you’re right. But consider my alternatives:

—Death Before Ditched Spawners

—Divorce…Mafia Style

—A Widow Case of Murder

—Putting the X in Ex-Husbands

—A Black Widow’s White Lie

—Black Widow Discovers Secret to Low Divorce Rate

↓ Transcript
WOMAN: I want to stay friends with all
my ex-husbands! But they never live long enough for the divorce!

National Stay Home and Get Lucky Day

Let’s make this a real national holiday. The parades alone would be worth it.

↓ Transcript
WOMAN (in bed): I’m not taking a sick day! I'm taking a sex day!

I Used to Drink Before Dinner, But Then…

“I drink to forget. Unless I forget to drink.”

—Slurpswell Von Tramp

↓ Transcript
SCENE: Man and woman drinking.

WOMAN: I used to drink before dinner! But then I realized--who needs dinner?

Art by Vince Colletta Studio

Who Needs Makeup?

“I feel good about myself, but then I haven’t looked in the mirror today.”

–Modesty Von Tramp

↓ Transcript
SCENE: Woman looking into a compact mirror.

WOMAN: Who makeup? I've got inner beauty and anti-depressants!

Art by Charles Nicholas

Incredible Hulk At Bat

Don’t throw curve ball, puny pitcher! Or Hulk smash!

↓ Transcript
SCENE: Three men talking in an office.

MAN: Sure, he’d make a great pinch hitter! But can the Incredible Hulk pass a steroids test?

Art: Dick Giordano & Vince Alascia