Okay. Here’s the Jack Nicholson version of “No Substitutions.”

Remember, kids! Getting turned on by fruit, vegetables or small household appliances doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. But we’ll punish you anyway–just to play it safe!

Remember to preheat your oven before hot sex. Bake until satisfied. Then serve…as many times as possible.

Other fun customs from around the world…

—In Upper Crustovia it’s considered bad manners to spit in someone’s drink — while they’re looking.

—In Lower Crustovia it’s considered bad manners to knife someone in the back while they’re spitting in someone’s drink — unless it’s your drink.

—In Still Lower Crustovia it’s considered bad manners to not compliment someone on their knife wounds.

This is the second of two Last Kiss comics that’ll appear in the “food” issue of the new Slam Bang anthology that debuts April 24, 2010 at the Small Press and Alternative Comics Expo (S.P.A.C.E.) I won’t be there, but Slam Bang publisher (and Last Kiss colorist) Allen Freeman will be selling Slam Bang at his table. Drop by, tell him you’re a Last Kiss fan, and get a free Last Kiss note card.

Sprechen Sie Deutsch? To read this comic in German click here.

Ouch!

Ladies, as the official spokesman for all men, I can assure you that today’s comic is…oh, hell. It’s true. But don’t feel that you actually have to cook for us.

I mean, it’s not like we’re going to actually die of starvation. We can follow recipes (if there are pictures); toast bread without burning down the house (sometimes); and we can learn to whip eggs into submission. (Bad eggs!)

In short, we’re as smart as you. We’re just lazier and better at ordering takeout!

Sprechen Sie Deutsch? Read this comic in German.