Pencils by Charles Quinlan. Color and restoration by Diego Jourdan Pereira.

I received hundreds of submissions in the latest Last Kiss Couple-Up Contest. But (alas!) there could only be one…well, actually two winners. But here’s a sample of some of the best—and the oddest that also made me laugh!

I knew snail-mail’s days were numbered, but I never thought it would end like this.

—Don Flowers

If only the rest of you was as big as those feet!
—cmraman

Just get into your S car and go!

(This was one of many jokes on the “S car” theme. —John)

—cleokaya

What a way for Escar to go.

(And here’s another clever variation. —John)

—Bob Pickett

You killed my snail, so much for tail.

—Tykemerry

You cad… No sex till after the appetizers.

—ttdurbin

I oughta slug you!

—Jim Guida

We’re going to slug this out right now, buster!! Where’s the salt?

—Trish Saunders

Why do I always end up with some slimy idiot on Valentine’s Day?!

—Miroslav Sustek

That snail was more of a man than you’ll ever be!

—Gus Campanario

Just because you crushed Jacque’s shell like an egg does not mean you can do the same to my heart!

—Kay Clopton

Pokey could have taught YOU something about “slow and steady,” Minute Man.

—Andrew Amster

He may have been slow but he brought me to orgasm faster than YOU!!!!!!!!!

Helen Stockfleth

Now who is going to deliver my mail?!

—Ivan Henley

You’re nothing but a slimey heel to me now.

—Bobby Neal

Easy come … Escargot.

—Valerie Dunbar Jones

I suppose you want a wine sauce to go with that.

—Jdlickei

You monster! Look at what you’ve done. No don’t look. Even my Cupid statue can’t look.

—Azathoth

This is why we should of agreed on a safe word before starting the mènage à trois.

(One of several versions of this gag. –John)

—-Matt Vis

My friends warned me you were a home-wrecker!

—Tim Murray

I will never kiss those feet again!

—-r2varney

You stomped my cookie… so you get no nookie!

—statphile

I was just getting Slimy to come out of his shell and enjoy life!

—jrmerm

That “just a snail” was an intergalactic warlord and this weeping angel statue is his assassin bodyguard.
Don’t look away.
Don’t blink.

(This is even funnier if you’re a Dr. Who fan—John)

—PoodleGroomer

Kill my snookie and you get no nookie.

—statphile

SHE: “Damn you Rodney! That snail was more than just a pet to me! This one time, at Band Camp ….”
HE: (thought balloon) “She is so hot when her voice is laced with bile!”

—Bob Haslett

 

Why Rodney Why?
Rodney: Sorry, it all happened so fast.

—andrewwork

INCREDIBLE!!! Last week you sat on my pet crayfish. Now you step on my snail. Well, you listen to me, Mister!! I’m not going to let you anywhere near my clam!!”

—dossgo

You cad! Still auditioning for the lead in “Death of a Snailsman”?

—Peter David McMenamin

You heartless brute! Five more payments and he would have been mine!

—Mister B

Rodney, you heartless swine! How could you? Did you never suspect that he was… YOUR OWN SON?

—Mister B

Some dance instructor you are, Rodney! I will NEVER EVER let another pet take tap lessons from you!!!

—Tony D

UNBELIEVABLE!! I warned you. I told you not to do it … AND YOU DID IT ANYWAY!! I said, “Rodney, it’s too dangerous playing Twister with a snail!!

—Tony D