No Substitutes for Sex

Okay. Here’s the Jack Nicholson version of “No Substitutions.”

↓ Transcript
SCENE: Man holding a menu as a waitress looks on.

MAN: I'll take the Passion Plate Special! Hold the matrimony and give me kinky sex instead!

WAITRESS: No substitutions!

Birthday Sex

↓ Transcript
WOMAN (thinking): Hmm! His
birthday is coming up! What can I get him? It can't be sex! We did that last year!

Sexual Time Warp

If someone has a spare time machine, please contact me. Name your price. Money isn’t a problem.

I’ll gladly pay you—Tuesday. I just won’t say which Tuesday.

Come to think of it, I’ve probably already traveled back in time and paid you. So don’t delay…because you’re already late.

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WOMAN: Still a virgin? Sure…if someone invents a time machine!

Art by Vince Colletta

Thankful for…Me!

If you’re reading this, I’m thankful. Happy Thanksgiving!

↓ Transcript
MAN (to woman): Sure! We should be thankful! Me...'cause I'm me! And you...'cause you're with me!

Art by Charles Nicholas & Vince Alascia

Given Up Sleeping with Men

Too much sex. It’s a problem so many of us have…in our dreams.

↓ Transcript
WOMAN: I've given up on sleeping with men! From now on, it's just one man at a time!

Art: Charles Nicholas & Vince Alascia